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I died. Now I live.

I can see you now.
Clearer than glass.
Faster than light.
I can feel your magic.

I can see your rainbows,
Separate each colour,
Only to find illusions,
Fake beauty.

I bent my knee,
Gave you my crown,
My weeping heart,
Made you my world.

You spit on my face,
Devil I am,
With a halo on my head,
Horns on your face.

I can smell you,
Sweet perfume,
Smell a little longer,
I smell fear.

Now I see.
I gave.
You took.
Then expected more.

Bitter sweet love

We have fought for so long,
My broken bones cant let me stand,
My demons are rejoicing,
The big victory over my conscience.

My scars are infected,
The last breath of a dying man,
My tears are useless,
Heaven has closed it’s gates for me.

My eyes are shutting,
I’m ready for hell,
Time to fall on my sword,
And end this journey.

‘Open your eyes’
I hear a whisper,
Just before my surrender,
I look around me.

The love of my life,
All drenched in blood,
A spear through her heart,
She’s on her knees.

Where did I get lost?
What have I done?
When did the skies turn grey?
When did I kill myself?

I will crawl my way to you,
Carry my broken bones,
I will heal you,
Your smile is my only hope.

Let me wipe your tears,
Clean your wounds,
You deserve the heavens,
The war is over.

Once your light is shining,
I will take my leave,
I will carry the happiness,
Of this bitter sweet love.

Mark my words

I know you’re tired,
I feel the same way,
I know you’re suffocated,
I cant breathe too.

I want to be free,
But your freedom is mine,
Your happiness is my peace,
Your sadness is my pain.

Met you as free as a caged bird,
Unaware of what lies ahead,
Curious about life,
Seeking nothing but the best.

I cared like a father to a daughter,
Wiped your tears,
Held your hand,
Showed you the way out.

Like a prisoner’s final day in a cage,
You packed your bags,
Grabbed my hand,
And took the way out.

My pride, My precious,
You wore a rainbow dress,
Danced under the stars,
Lived in a care free world.

You showed me, a sad man, true happiness,
You showed me the outside world,
My freedom,
That I never saw before.

You took my heart,
Polished it,
Breathed life into it,
So I can be as free as you.

I opened my eyes,
Saw the happiness of breath,
The sadness of breathing too much,
I saw the world.

I fell in love,
Feared losing you to a cage,
Loneliness and despair,
Too much freedom.

We’ve built two worlds,
Different principles,
Different views,
Both seeking eternal happiness.

Invite me to your world,
As I invite you to mine,
Let’s build a third world,
For you and I.

Beautiful devil

Please don’t kill me,
If God has it I die,
May his will be done,
Though not by your hands,
Not your beautiful hands.

Beautiful devil,
No one says I can’t love you,
Sinners need love,
Let me wash your wounds,
As you lay your hands on mine.

Look at me,
Straight to my eyes,
Point your gun at me,
Whisper I love you,
Maybe this is peace.

Tell me you can’t live without me,
How ugly I am,
But you’ll never want better,
Make me feel loved,
By a devil.

Esther

Yes you, Esther,
Ever heard an article,
Titled your name?
No?
Here’s one.
Put some good music,
and enjoy.

I still remember the day,
I sat next to you,
Do I regret?
No I don’t.
I remember when we first talked,
You laughing,
Music playing…

You smiling,
That smile,
Has killed many men?
Right?
So much to remember,
But darling,
Nothing to regret.

Who is Esther?
Lovable, pretty,
Cheerful, innocent,
Young heart.
Will I forget you?
I doubt it,
You’re tattooed on me.

Oh Esther, my Esther,
You’re caged,
I’ll pray,
For your happiness, your freedom,
For you,
To feel,
To love….

When that day comes,
Dress in white,
Take a leave,
Visit the coast,
Raise your hands,
and let the wind,
make you fly.

Esther,
I appreciate you.

My Love

This feeling,
So familiar,
Now I remember,
This eerie feeling,
I forgot how it felt,
I forgot how to love,
So this is love?

My world revolves around her,
I still smell her on my pillow,
I see her face,
everytime I close my eyes,
She’s smiling,
She’s happy,
She’s beautiful.

This love,
I love so much,
It’s dangerous,
I adore,
This love,
Can change worlds,
Can kill me.

This love,
I have no one to give,
One beautiful day,
Sunny with a cold breeze,
I will wake up,
Next to the lucky girl,
That will receive my love.

For My Therapist

I still remember,
The first day I met you,
How nervous I was,
A very confused and sad man,
Seeking just a pinch of happiness.

I wasn’t sure,
That therapy works,
I just craved help,
Anything I could get,
But now, I believe.

Because of you,
I have experienced happiness,
I have danced,
I have sung,
I have lived.

It may not seem like it,
But you have saved a life,
When I meet you,
I feel the comfort of a mother,
I feel safe.

I’m still fighting,
Many times I lose,
I’m still scared,
Of the future and myself,
Thank you,
For fighting for me.

Killing myself to survive

love?
My sweet enemy.
Hate?
My best friend.
Trust issues?
My daily diet.

who am i?
big heart, closed eyes,
I love so much,
I call it madness,
big dreams, philanthropic mindset,
I care too much,
I call it obsession.

pain?
My lover,
mother of my children,
they love me,
I abhor them,
i’m trapped,
in this paradox of life.

hope?
my long lost friend,
what happened?
the hearts I wanted to touch?
the love I wanted to feel?
the world I wanted to change?
pass by some time,
and save a burning man.

suicide?
I love, I heart, I care, I feel,
to survive,
this pain, hopelessness,
I have to kill me,
kill my heart,
feel nothing,
live to die.

Letter to the old me

Hi Michael,

I want to tell you you’re my biggest hero. I admire you more than I admire anyone else. I admire your ambition, your creativity, your strength, your view of life and your ability to love deeply. I know things are very hard for you, I know you cry almost every night, but your ability to wake up the next morning is admirable.

How are things over there? Are you watching a movie? I hope you’re doing something to get your mind off of depression. How is school? Are you attending classes? Did you meet Samantha today? Say hi to her the next time you meet her, and give her a very tight hug for me, okay?

I have many things I want to tell you, but I have to keep it short. First, you eventually get the girl! yes you do! you kiss her and she calls you her boyfriend! she actually tells you she loves you! yes Michael, she will love you for who you are, you are not as unlovable as you think you are.

As for school, it’s still the same old shit. You’ll still have difficulties concentrating, but you will make a considerable improvement on attentiveness. You will make some new friends, some will be great friends. Your mom will start understanding you, and you will get closer to each other. Your dreams are still quite far away, but you wont give up Michael.

Well, the future doesn’t seem so bad does it? Yes its much better. There is one thing though, you will still struggle with depression. You may still feel suicidal, but we both know, if it happens, we just couldn’t take it anymore, though, stay strong for mom, okay? You’ll still yearn for love, for someone to reciprocate what you feel for them. Be very careful with love, its your biggest weakness.

That’s all I have for you Michael. It may be difficult to smile, but keep a happy face for the people who need it. I hope I will get to send you another letter in the future. Bye for now.

Regards.

 

She Said Yes

I always dreamt of the day,

the day she will say yes,

I thought,

Maybe I will faint?

Maybe I will breakdown?

I dont know,

Maybe I will be silent,

and so,

The day came,

I didnt faint nor breakdown,

but I did tear, and almost silent,

I thought,

Is this real,

If not,

Then I will go crazy,

and hit a stranger,

I had to sleep it off,

so I could wake up,

next to my girlfriend,

and touch her face,

so I know she’s real.